Bittersweet Truths
by Mistress of Solitude
Summary: The truth hurts when its bitter, it hurts even more when its a sweet truth, and it hurts even less when it's a bittersweet truth. Because she never told him, and he never asked. Her heart slowly withered away, since he never said I love you back...
1. An Interlude

**The Interlude**

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><p><em>Bittersweet Truths<em>

You told **me,** fate was cruel, you_ never_ told me, **you** were cruel. You **also** _never_ told me, how much it would hurt**,** for **me**, to love _you_. And _also_, how much it hurts for me to know that you, know that I love you, and that you're doing nothing about it. And even though you've rejected me time and time over again, I still love you even more….I'm sorry.

Sorry that I never got over you…

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><p><strong>Author's Note:-<strong>

I've understood the fact that some readers haven't understood that these pieces of short stories are all related to one another. They are parts of Illessa's –what I've named Priestess– memories or daily life facts. In the series she spends her time reminiscing about her past life, and things that have occurred before the events of the movie, so they're kind of like flashbacks or something similar to them. I'm posting this in the beginning of the series, so that new readers may know this important fact, and not be confused.


	2. Touch

1# Touch

When you grabbed my hand as I was falling down that bridge, I never forgot the warmth I felt, and how your touch made me feel something after all these years. I also remembered how it meant nothing to you, like it meant to me. My touch felt like nothing to you, because in your heart, and in your mind, it was always Shannon, and I'm sorry because you lost her, but unlike her, she knew you loved her, and you knew she loved you no matter what, it wasn't the same.

I was losing you everyday, and she wasn't even here to prove how meaningless my love for you is. Because, if your touch was like fire to my hand, mine must be the ice that numbs your feelings, because, you're **always** looking away.

Am I _that_ disgusting in your eyes?


	3. Spirit

2# Spirit

Her spirit and your spirit, are intertwined, like fated soul-mates, because you're always thinking about her, and I'm _always_ thinking about you, and you don't know if she's thinking about you, because **you're** stuck here, with me.

And it hurts even more, because even though God is here with me, every single day, helping me; you somehow remind me why I simply want to walk away, and be with God, soul, mind, and body. So that when I die, my spirit will be free from this unrequited love.

So that one day, I'm _free_ of you...


	4. Evening

**Warning:-** _Mentions of the menstrual cycle of the woman, and if you feel uncomfortable, skip this chapter please._

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><p>3# Evening<p>

It was that time of the month again, when my stomach would hurt painfully, and my lower parts would let out blood. It was almost too disgusting, and somewhat vile to other people, and yet I accepted it, because it was in my nature as a woman for this to happen every month. The first time this happened I was merely 12, and one of the nuns happened to have realized my condition, and helped me through it.

She told me anytime I needed help, that I should come to her, and she would help. She died or was rather killed 3 months after my 21st birthday. You, had turned 26 by then, and had tried to comfort me, but your attempts were futile, and pretty much useless. I mean, think about it, you haven't literally lost your only semblance of family, inside this place, I had no one, and you, **you** always had someone.

It hurt even more, because I could never despise you, only grow to love you even more.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note:-<strong>

I've understood the fact that some readers haven't understood that these pieces of short stories are all related to one another. They are parts of Illessa's –what I've named Priestess– memories or daily life facts. In the series she spends her time reminiscing about her past life, and things that have occurred before the events of the movie, so they're kind of like flashbacks or something similar to them. I'm posting this now, for any old readers continuing this story from this part of the series.


	5. Years

4# Years

When we met, I was already 17, and had already started my 1st year as the youngest Priestess ever found; **you** _came_, already 21, and were the oldest to be found. I may have been the youngest for more than a reason; one due to my age, while another was due to my clumsiness, and inability to keep up the pace with the others. There were so much more reasons why, but during those years I had improved, I was no longer that clumsy, and I could keep up the pace with most of the others, and at times even outdo them.

I had improved in agility, but due to me over-working my body at such a young age, I had developed some kind of asthma, especially during the winter or summer seasons, I felt like suffocating, no one but the elder priests and the nurses knew, and I had not trusted anyone else with that secret, I couldn't even try with you.

So no one ever knew, and even as it faded throughout the years, it never occurred for me to mention it if something happened during a mission. And even when my asthma reoccurred during a mission with you, and you asked me if I had some sickness, I denied it, because I never considered it as a sickness. I always considered my asthma as a reminder that though I was a talented Priestess, I was only nothing more but a human woman.

And even when the war ended, and the years became decades, I still didn't tell him, even when I happened to have TB due to my asthma, and almost died, the only thing I told him was I love you, and he didn't need to know anything else.


	6. First

6# First

She wished, when one of the younger female priestesses would ask her if she's ever loved someone, she wishes she could say he was the first, but inwardly she's glad that he's not her first love, so she smiles at them and shakes her head, no one needed to know. The only one she had ever confided in, was a nun who was 7 years older than her, and reminded Illessa of her mother**too** much, except for the fact that she _understood_ Illessa all too well. The same nun who died 3 months after Illessa had turned 21, that nun was Illessa's first female friend, and would probably be the last one she trusted with her memories of the past.

Her first love was a man named Gabriel, coincidentally he was also her first male friend, and his name defined him completely. He was a young boy then, when she had met him, at the youthful age of 15, he was 17, and a devoted believer of God. Illessa had always believed in God, but her faith increased when she met him, she became devoted to God when she saw how he cherished God, she fell in love with the Almighty Father, and wanted to become more religious due to his influence. She only loved him later on, his sweet and kind smiles causing butterflies in her stomach. And when his bright green eyes would fall upon her, she would feel happy for no reason. Gabriel was very optimistic, and it was his optimism that would brighten Illessa's sad childhood. She never revealed her feelings back then as well, but unlike Ivan, he could easily read her like an open book.

She loved that about him, and when he stole her first kiss at dusk, during the second day of October, her blushes around him only increased in number. And one day he left, leaving her only a letter, she was saddened by him leaving, but she knew it was his calling, but the other reason -which he never told her- pained her more. He was dying, and it was his last moments left, he told her in the letter that he never regretted meeting her, and the year they spent together would be one of his favorite memories. He ended the letter with 'I love you Illessa, 'til death do us part' brought tears to her eyes when she read that, because after he was dead, he told her she was free to love anyone else, she was only 16, with a mother whose memory was weakening, and strength failing.

When the Church called for her, she was happy, but _so_ sad at the same time, because she did not long to leave her mother for the first time, and to enter a world she did not know of. Her mother encouraged her to go, and swore that as long as she could still walk and breathe that Illessa had to go, she gave her a beautiful smile, and told Illessa 'It's your calling sweetheart, go and embrace your future".

It was one of the last times that Illessa revealed her tears and sobs so openly and willingly, because taking a step away from her mother's house hurt her heart to the point where she found it hard to breathe. And by the time she reached the training grounds, it would be her first time in her new life, but when she heard that she couldn't go home, Illessa's heart broke, and tears that tried to fall carelessly were held back. She kept all the pain inside, not trusting herself in this new environment. And died a little when news of her mother's death, arrived on the day of her 17th birthday, she was glad that she met Ivan, because even though he wasn't her first love, she had found the first companion who could understand her anguish and pain because he also felt the same feelings somehow.

Though he was not her first love, or her first friend, or a person she could confide her feelings in; he still was Ivan, certainly the second, and probably the last man her heart would ever learn to love completely...


	7. Dreams

7# Dreams

Dreams are mirages, forms of their shattered realities altered so much to the point it seems like a fantasy, but you know, that Dreams are lies, almost like sins, they tempt you to want things that you can't have, freedom being one of them. You find it ironic that God created you all as free beings, but human beings tie everyone down by putting down rules that are only created because they are so easily swayed by evil, and corrupt themselves to the point where you hold your breath, and cry alone in your room, wishing that one day you'll be free of dreams.

You want to stop dreaming of him, you want only God, and the freedom he offers, not the obligations that the Church forces upon you, the obligations that outcast you from society, you dream of a world where you are ordinary, where your mother lives and breathes, a world where if she were to ever die, you could visit her grave daily or weekly; a world where Gabriel was the only person you would ever love, and you would never need to have this unrequited love that you have with Ivan, a world where you never met him, or the Church, a world where it was you, God, your mother, & Gabriel, and the Earth. A world where you could have gotten married to a man who loved you, and you would never have to learn the meaning of unrequited love ever at all.

Warm teardrops stroll across your pale cheeks, and you bite your lips, before turning on your side, and closing your eyes, wishing away all the pain and dreams, while clutching your rosary and murmuring soft prayers thanking God for all that he's done, and how it was selfish of you to even dream of the past & more.

Yet your heart _**still**_ yearns for these dreams to someday to come true, but dreams, are merely nothing but dreams.


	8. Strangers

8# Strangers

I find it odd that even though I now know almost everything about Priest, he knows even less about me. He knows I don't like to talk about my life, and the reason I knew was because his sacrifice was the greatest of them all, but mine was worthless, leaving a mother I never longed to even look away from, a mother who died shortly after I arrived to become a priestess. It's as if most of our sacrifices were useless to the Church, not that I didn't understand why Priest was the one whose sacrifice was most admired or spoken of. I knew it was because the Church never expected him to say yes at all, and when he did, they had to boast about it.

I am glad Priest has freed himself from the Church whose lies taunt kept us from discovering the truth and saving a lot of lives. But sometimes I feel as if I am travelling with a stranger, would it be odd if I mentioned that I think Priest feels the same? I can never tell what he is thinking, and Priest can easily guess my thoughts, but only when I am being obvious, there is a reason why I was one of the 3 priestesses that remained alive. My skill did not only lay in combat, I was talented in more than just fighting, my mother made sure of that, too bad she was no longer living to see what I've become.

My ability to hide emotions, and twist the truth beyond normal standards, have left Priest with paradoxes which he keeps trying to figure out, but a paradox itself has a never-ending answer, so in the end, he could never find out the difference.

I want to laugh at the irony of our situation, we've known each other for more than 7 years Priest, and yet we still do not know each other at all. Is it fate that has made us this way? Or is it the fact that I cannot trust you to share my burdens with you and trouble you with what I have to live with every day, and you can trust me, just not with your thoughts and secrets, so that _you_ cannot hurt me.


	9. End

9# End

The end of the war was one the happiest days of my life, 1: because it ended all the bloodshed and the killing, 2: was the day we could finally be relieved of our duties as priests. It was the day I would no longer be literally tied to the Church though I was still figuratively bound to its laws, and summons. But the ability to finally roam the cities made me giddy, even if it only lasted a moment, until I remembered how people shun us as if we were the same vampires who slaughtered them mercilessly

It was always like that, people feared what they could not control, because their belief was always weak, sometimes I wondered why we fought so hard to protect them, if they didn't even like us unless we were saving their lives, and risking ours in the process. But Ivan's decision not to return had shocked me greatly, he had Shannon there waiting for him with a child, a daughter last I heard, why would he not want to return?

I then asked him, but he told me only this "Our worlds are **too** different Illessa, I am no longer the same man that she knew, and I will not ruin the life that she's created with my brother", and ended the conversation there, and I knew not to bring it up again, thought it never left the corner of my mind. I wanted him there with her, so I could try to end my feelings for him, because if he's finally with her, then I can face the reality that my hearts been making me avoid.

The end meant a lot of things, just sadly not my love for Ivan, it didn't mean the end of being tied down, because in a way we have become puppets on a string, only moving when necessary. I offered Ivan to travel with me until we could make adjust to our new roles in society, he agreed, and the life we lived was almost close to normality, except for the fact that we were always tense, and aware. And the fact that my lips couldn't stop but to blurt out to Ivan how I loved him so. He rejected me kindly, saying only Shannon held his heart, and he never got it back, and apologized to me. 3 weeks later the awkward tension between us must have bothered him, because he took off, telling me he needed to be alone for a while.

My heart cracked when he told me he was leaving, but I just let a reassuring smile grace my lips, before telling him to take care, and looking away. It was the end of our friendly relationship, the distance making us seem like strangers once again. It took me 2 years to find myself, with God helping me along the way.

The only thing that ended, which I did regret was my close friendship with Ivan, and how my heart pains at the thought of him.


End file.
